Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
