so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
