I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize