I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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