Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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