she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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