your thong is hanging out like whoa
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
