Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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