Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
