Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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