who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
