Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
