Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she told me i tasted like america
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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