Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
