Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
