Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
