I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
