i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
