Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
