in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize