he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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