would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
