About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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