I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
