I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
