just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
