I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
