u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
