party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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