Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
