I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
