i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My cat gives me a boner
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize