My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
