it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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