The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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