that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
