if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
