She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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