the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
