so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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