I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
