Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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