I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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