So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
