Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize