I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
