I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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