Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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