My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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