I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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