Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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