I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
is that a dick in a sweater?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
