I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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