Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
