Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
