you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
