You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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