This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like his penis was on wheels.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
