My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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