It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
