I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
