I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
