I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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